Lost....

So, I haven't posted in while, I've been upset and down at our situation. I finally got the call I had been waiting on from A Angels, our placement agency, on Thursday March 3. I  never expected it to be a bad conversation, our homestudy had went great, and I just really feel like we will be wonderful parents. However, the director of the agency thought otherwise. Over a long converstation she proceded to tell me about her concerns of our "young" age, although I am 25 and Tyler is 27. She then moved onto our home and how she felt it's a bad economy to be moving in. Then onto the fact that we have car payments each month. I proceded to tell her that with our jobs with hospice we put over 200 miles a day on our vehicles some days and it's important to arrive to our patient's homes in a timely manner, I can't afford to be broken down on the side of the road or have our cars in the shop. She then told me that her and her husband also drive a lot for work, but "we sure aren't driving the cars you two are". I was, at this point, trying so hard to not let her know I was crying. I felt like I was being judged about my ability to parent, by the car I drove!! (By the way, I drive an Altima and he drives a Civic...nobody's driving by us wishing they were us! It's not like we're driving a Bentley around town!)  She then asked if I was sure that I understood what accepting "any race child" meant. I said yes, I was open to any race. She told me at that point, that she would suggest another agency which was priced on a sliding scale and would price African American children at a lower price. I was, and still am, apalled! I am so hurt by this. I have heard of this, but didn't think it was reallly happeneing. I mean, how can we put a price on a child because of their skin color?! It sickens me. I am worth no more than any other person just because of my skin color.

Needless to say, she told me that she didn't feel it was a good "fit" and suggested  we check with other agencies. I have since called another agency nearby, and told them my homestudy was complete and asked if I could talk to someone to get some information. The lady answering the phone, rudely replied that she couldn't help me but would have someone call me back. This was Wednesday March 9, at about 9 a.m. On Friday I still had not heard back, so I called again, introduced myself and she interupted me, rudely again might I add, and said "I told you we would have someone call you, she has your name and number and is busy, she will call you back though". It is now Tuesday, and I still haven't heard. I don't know about you, but I know if someone was fixing to write me a check for thousands and thousands of dollars, I would return their phone call and I would be nice about it!

Overall I feel lost. I feel sad, hurt, angry, but mostly just lost. I know God has called us to this. I know there is a plan that He has for us. I just don't know how to work with His plan right now. We had really prayed about A Angels as our placement agency, during our prayers, we had 3 different people, out of no where, take time to tell us about their wonderful experience with that agency. It was confirmation after confirmation for us. Now, I'm praying again, I need God to show me what's next. I know that to a certain extent, God has showed me that we are to adopt, so maybe all of this leg work is just insignificant? Am I like Abraham, did God just want to see if I would adopt, since it was the one thing I said I wouldn't do? Or, did I miss something along the way, something that I was supposed to see, but because I got so busy and fixed on getting to the end product, I missed it? I don't know right now. All I know is that through this all, as lost and sad as I feel by all this, God is still good. He's better to me than I deserve, and He deserves all of me and what I have to give Him. He still has a plan for me, and along the way as I try to find out what step to take next, I will strive to live a life and make choices that will glorify Him. In the end, I know that God is doing something wonderful, and I want everyone to know this story and see how God was working all along. I want it to be so great, that nobody could look at it and think it was something Tyler or I did, but to KNOW that it was a God thing.