As I listened last week to a sermon before work from Steven Furtick, I thought about his words "faith is strengthened by trials". This is so true and especially resonates with me during this time in our lives. He talked about how things don't get strong on their own. Think about it. A muscle doesn't get stronger unless you challenge it. A marriage is stronger when a trial or hard time is overcome. Relationships thrive and grow over time and through experiencing the ups and downs of life together.
The trials we have been enduring haven't been walked through by Tyler and I without questions, doubts, fears, anger, and just downright ugly times. But, that's okay....our faith won't waiver, it's just getting stronger. One of the things Furtick spoke about was the "heros" from the bible. Abraham endured some pretty low times-yet he was the father of many nations. I mean, think about it, he slept with his wife's servant in order to father the child that God had promised him. Because it hadn't happened in the time frame Abraham thought it should have, he grew impatient, and went on with his life how he wanted to, instead of waiting on God's timing. Were there consequences? Yes. Did it ultimately grow him, and strengthen his faith? Yes. Did God turn his back on him? No. It was a faith builder. A relationship strengthener. And ultimately, despite his mistakes, he went on to give his best effort and follow what the Lord asked of him. If you only looked later in Abraham's life and the legacy he left behind as the father of many nations, you might think it was easy, that he just had it all together and never had hard times or times that really tested his faith. But that's not the case for him, and it's not the case for most of us today.
I guess this message he spoke on really made me think about where we are today and where we've been over the past years. Tonight, we looked at a video of our engagement-we were young, skinny (I just had to throw that in there!) and life was easy. We had not faced any really hard times in life and we only had high hopes and dreams for our future. At 19 and 21 we had no idea what was ahead for us. My dreams were typical of a 19 year old newly engaged girl-we would get married, have children (without any difficulty conceiving), have good paying jobs, and live in a pretty house with a big wrap around porch and white picket fence.
Is that how my life looks today? Some of it, yes. But the details, namely the not so good times, that have been woven in over the last 10 years are the things that have strengthened our faith and grown us closer together and in our relationship with the Lord. Someone told me the other day "You are so strong, and you make this look so easy". It was a compliment, but it was almost hard to hear.
It's not easy, and some days I'm anything but strong. Some days I panic to the point of going numb with fear of our future and have to call my husband on my way home from work to cry. Some days I just feel done with it all and want to throw in the towel and run away. Some days I pick fights with my husband about how dirty the house it just because I'm angry and need someone to take it out on. Some days I feel completely overwhelmed with the amount of time it takes to stay on top of the medical bills, the doctor's office phone calls, the insurance company appeals, the therapy appointments, and then just life in general as a working mom of two and wife. Then, there are days where I'm stronger and Tyler has the same bad days I had. We always laugh at the end of a bad day about how thankful we are that at least one of us stays sane and can talk the other one off of a ledge if we needed to!
During the hard days and times I turn to my husband and God in prayer and usually within a short time, I've been lifted up and reminded of the good in my life and the fact that this journey isn't without a purpose. I usually remind myself of Romans 8:28:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I know that God is working things for our good. His good probably doesn't look like my version of good, but His way is always better and come eternity, I will look back and see how it all fits together. In James we are also told to, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
It's so hard to "consider it joy" at times. I think we equate joy with happiness and that's why it seems so hard. But we have to remember that happiness is directly related to our circumstances whereas joy occurs regardless of our circumstances.
I'm so thankful for God's word to renew and lift me when times are tough because this life as a special needs mom, wife, and nurse isn't always easy nor does pure joy come without work.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Learning how to grow a man...Lessons from a three year old.
Lately, I've thought a lot about my son and what's in store for him in the future. I've wondered what kind of person he will be and how the differences in Tyley Sue's life will make such a drastic difference in his. I've thought about the "negative" things; like how punishments will be different for them both, and he may not understand that at first; about how expectations will be different for them both, and, again, he may not understand that at first. I've thought about the fact that there will be times of embarrassment for him-I think that would only be natural at times when you think about how she may never "act her age" when in public-or anywhere for that matter. I've anguished over the thought of him feeling less important due to the immense time it takes for us to help Tyley-and it may always be that way. I feel heart broken when I think about all of the needs Tyley Sue has and wonder how I can be enough for them both. How can I provide every opportunity for therapy and progression, make every doctor appointment and IEP meeting for her and still never miss a beat of a "normal" life for Elijah? It will be done, by the grace of God; but I never want him to know the struggle. I never want him to feel like he's in second place. I never want him to fell less important. Because he isn't! He's such a joy in our lives- and not that our Sue Sue isn't; but there's no way to compare the two! One is not loved more than the other-just differently.
I not only think about the possible negative things, but I also think about the little boy that I'm raising to one day be a man....and how I have the perfect ingredients to make him a man of God, a man full of compassion, love, understanding, and empathy for others. A man who is humble and strong, a man who doesn't think twice about putting others before himself, a man who is always looking out for the good of others and to serve others. I think about how these qualities will ultimately make him one heck of a friend and an amazing husband and father one day.
I think about his future wife and right now, how he's already stolen my heart, and how he will steal the heart of his sister soon enough (currently, she doesn't pay him much attention, but I think that will change as he interacts with her more in the future); and I know that there will be a girl one day that God has designed just for him and she'll fall, for my son....for my Elijah. She'll fall for the man that he is; but what she won't see is that he started out as a toothless, grinning, slobbering little boy who came in mouth open wide to give his momma some loving. She won't see him teetering around trying to find his balance to walk. She won't see the way he looks at me unlike anyone else. She won't know how much love I have for him until she has one of her own. All she'll see is the man that his daddy and I are raising him to be....and the man his sister is raising him to be.
When we were in Maryland with Tyley at the NIH after all the testing was completed on Tyley and we met with her doctor to discuss all of the results from that week's testing, and she asked if I had any questions. The only question I asked was,
"How in the world do I balance hope and faith for her healing, yet remain realistic about her condition and prognosis at the same time?"
Her response was telling me what to expect-so I hopefully wouldn't be disappointed. She also went on to share with me about other special needs families and she mentioned thinking about future needs for Tyley physically as well as financially for. She then looked at me and told me to remember Elijah Ray and what role he plays in all of this. Her words pricked my heart as she told me that I would have a son who would look at life differently, see people differently, and be a much more compassionate person because of his sister.
So, my son's future probably looks a little different than most of your sons; but it's okay. We all are given different life circumstances for God to use to shape us. The life that God chose to drop Elijah into is going to be hard at times, but this life, namely his sister, will prepare him for so much. I doubt that he will ever be the boy partaking in the bullying of others who are different. I dare to say that he will be the one to stand up for them. He won't be the one to snicker behind the back of the class mate who falls behind because of their disabilities. He won't be the boy who mistreats girls because he will know what it's like to take care of a girl who can't take care of herself and he will see his Daddy do the same for his sister and his mother. He will be the epitome of love and compassion-really showing what the love of Christ looks like. He will know what it looks like to love with an agape love- no strings attached, no expectations. Much of the world loves because of what others have to offer. I would actually say that most of us love that way. He will learn to love when nothing is given in return at times. What better way to learn how to love his future wife than that?
All I know, is the woman designed for my baby boy is already being prayed for. She will have a man like no other, and he will love her and take care of her and lead her because of all of the practice he will have in his lifetime leading up to her. His sister, especially, is teaching us all so much. Lessons we would have never learned without her. Lessons that have and will continue to grow us, strengthen our faith, and allow us opportunities to teach others.
I not only think about the possible negative things, but I also think about the little boy that I'm raising to one day be a man....and how I have the perfect ingredients to make him a man of God, a man full of compassion, love, understanding, and empathy for others. A man who is humble and strong, a man who doesn't think twice about putting others before himself, a man who is always looking out for the good of others and to serve others. I think about how these qualities will ultimately make him one heck of a friend and an amazing husband and father one day.
I think about his future wife and right now, how he's already stolen my heart, and how he will steal the heart of his sister soon enough (currently, she doesn't pay him much attention, but I think that will change as he interacts with her more in the future); and I know that there will be a girl one day that God has designed just for him and she'll fall, for my son....for my Elijah. She'll fall for the man that he is; but what she won't see is that he started out as a toothless, grinning, slobbering little boy who came in mouth open wide to give his momma some loving. She won't see him teetering around trying to find his balance to walk. She won't see the way he looks at me unlike anyone else. She won't know how much love I have for him until she has one of her own. All she'll see is the man that his daddy and I are raising him to be....and the man his sister is raising him to be.
When we were in Maryland with Tyley at the NIH after all the testing was completed on Tyley and we met with her doctor to discuss all of the results from that week's testing, and she asked if I had any questions. The only question I asked was,
"How in the world do I balance hope and faith for her healing, yet remain realistic about her condition and prognosis at the same time?"
Her response was telling me what to expect-so I hopefully wouldn't be disappointed. She also went on to share with me about other special needs families and she mentioned thinking about future needs for Tyley physically as well as financially for. She then looked at me and told me to remember Elijah Ray and what role he plays in all of this. Her words pricked my heart as she told me that I would have a son who would look at life differently, see people differently, and be a much more compassionate person because of his sister.
So, my son's future probably looks a little different than most of your sons; but it's okay. We all are given different life circumstances for God to use to shape us. The life that God chose to drop Elijah into is going to be hard at times, but this life, namely his sister, will prepare him for so much. I doubt that he will ever be the boy partaking in the bullying of others who are different. I dare to say that he will be the one to stand up for them. He won't be the one to snicker behind the back of the class mate who falls behind because of their disabilities. He won't be the boy who mistreats girls because he will know what it's like to take care of a girl who can't take care of herself and he will see his Daddy do the same for his sister and his mother. He will be the epitome of love and compassion-really showing what the love of Christ looks like. He will know what it looks like to love with an agape love- no strings attached, no expectations. Much of the world loves because of what others have to offer. I would actually say that most of us love that way. He will learn to love when nothing is given in return at times. What better way to learn how to love his future wife than that?
All I know, is the woman designed for my baby boy is already being prayed for. She will have a man like no other, and he will love her and take care of her and lead her because of all of the practice he will have in his lifetime leading up to her. His sister, especially, is teaching us all so much. Lessons we would have never learned without her. Lessons that have and will continue to grow us, strengthen our faith, and allow us opportunities to teach others.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Glorious Unfolding...
As I drove home from work yesterday I was running through my head all of the things still left to do for the day. I had less than 15 minutes to run in the door, kiss my kiddos, get them ready and myself changed, and head to TUMC for a night of prayer over Tyley Sue. In true supermom fashion, we arrived just on time :) But as I drove and ran through my to do list, I was really talking to God as well and had been asking "why, what if, & when" about Tyley Sue. I do sometimes wonder "why" her. "Why" us? I think a lot about the what ifs. I think about her therapy and wonder "when" will we see it producing good in her life.
As I pondered all of these random thoughts and questions, and wrestled with God about them all, the last thing I asked for was peace for it all. I prayed and asked that God would ease my anxiety and fears. I told him that I knew I wouldn't get all of the answers to my questions right now, but I just had to ask anyways. And then the song "Glorious Unfolding" came on the radio. You know, there are those times that a radio is just back ground noise....and then there are the moments, out of no where, where you zoom in and realllllly listen to the words. At that moment, this is what I heard:
Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
This was the moment I said aloud in my car, by myself, "yep!" And then I went on to hear:
God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun.
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
And watch this glorious unfolding
And right here I realized just how much God listens and answers in His own way. "This is going to be a glorious unfolding, just you wait and see and you will be amazed." I know God has a plan but sometimes I lose sight of that in the details and busyness of the day to day routine.
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
I, for one, can't wait to see what the glorious unfolding will be. Will it be healing? Will it be amazing progress? Will it be like this forever? Is the purpose in this all not to heal her, but just to use her story to reach others? Those are the questions I'm sure I will continue to ask God-even though his answer will probably be to wait and quit trying to figure it out and just let Him do His thing.....because He's pretty good at it :)
As I pondered all of these random thoughts and questions, and wrestled with God about them all, the last thing I asked for was peace for it all. I prayed and asked that God would ease my anxiety and fears. I told him that I knew I wouldn't get all of the answers to my questions right now, but I just had to ask anyways. And then the song "Glorious Unfolding" came on the radio. You know, there are those times that a radio is just back ground noise....and then there are the moments, out of no where, where you zoom in and realllllly listen to the words. At that moment, this is what I heard:
Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
This was the moment I said aloud in my car, by myself, "yep!" And then I went on to hear:
God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun.
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
And watch this glorious unfolding
And right here I realized just how much God listens and answers in His own way. "This is going to be a glorious unfolding, just you wait and see and you will be amazed." I know God has a plan but sometimes I lose sight of that in the details and busyness of the day to day routine.
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
I, for one, can't wait to see what the glorious unfolding will be. Will it be healing? Will it be amazing progress? Will it be like this forever? Is the purpose in this all not to heal her, but just to use her story to reach others? Those are the questions I'm sure I will continue to ask God-even though his answer will probably be to wait and quit trying to figure it out and just let Him do His thing.....because He's pretty good at it :)
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