Well, it's been super busy this Christmas season, but I have been so blessed to spend time with our wonderful family and celebrate what Christmas is all about! Tyler and I were talking about how this may be our last Christmas by ourselves. Hopefully next year we will be preparing milk and cookies for santa! This year we woke up early on Christmas morning to a beautiful surprise...a white Christmas!! That was the first white christmas I have ever had, or at least the only one I can remember! There was so much snow that we were able to have a snowball fight, build a snowman, and ride 4-wheelers over at my parents house. The white snow was a reminder that morning of what Christmas is about, a sign of how Jesus wipes our sins away and washes us white as snow, if we accept and follow Him. Ahhhh what a wonderful Savior we have =)
This morning, I again woke up early and was unable to go back to sleep, I decided to take down my christmas decorations and get the house cleaned up. We have decided to sell our home and build something a little bigger, so I want it to be ready for potential buyers to come look at it. God has blessed us greatly and we have been seeking His guidance in this next step. I'm excited and nervous about it all. Not quite sure how this will affect our homestudy, I'm just trusting that God has His hand on this all, and I know that His will is going to be done.
I called our homestudy agency this past week to find out what we are currently waiting on. The last thing we are waiting on is our CAN clearance. Our social worker told me that they are running behind on these clearances, so who knows how much longer we will be waiting. I know most people may think of this as bad news, but I just think that my baby isn't here yet, God has chosen a child for us, and His timing has to be perfect, so this is just another way of Him assuring that His will is done, and that we receive the only baby that is meant to be ours. As soon as our CAN clearance is received we will be getting a call from the social worker to set up a time for our homestudy!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
From a not-yet mother's heart...
I can't imagine how you must feel as a mother. I know the feelings I already have for a person I haven't met, that maybe hasn't even been created yet. I know the things I hope for in his or her life. The things I pray for. I know as I sit here typing this I am filled with emotion I don't even understand for a person I don't even know. And there is so much I want this child to know.
I am filled with hope for the future we will have together, with excitement at the thought of seeing your sweet face the first time. I have prayed for you for years. You have my heart, and you aren't even here yet!! I pray that as you come into this world, that you are healthy and that you never know a day without my love. I pray that as you grow, you always feel like you couldn't be loved more, and that I have wanted and desired you long before you were formed. I want you to know that even though you didn't grow in my tummy, you have been growing in my heart and soul and mind much longer that 9 months. You are not a mistake, God has chosen you to complete mine and your daddy's lives. God has chosen us to raise you, love you, discipline you, have fun with you, to show you this world He has blessed us with, to show you the love He has for you, and raise you to have a love for Him, a respect for Him, a fear of Him. I want to see you sing to the Lord and worship Him as a young child and see you give your life to Him and live everyday with eternity in mind. I can't wait to see you do all the things children do as they grow, but I am much more interested in the relationship you will have with God and the plans He has for you. I know that God already knows who you are, and He has plans for you to prosper! What a wonderful promise!
I can't wait to touch you, to smell you, to feel your soft, warm skin. I have held you in my heart for a long time now, but I can't wait to hold you in my arms. And I don't know what you are physically going to look like, but I know you are going to be wonderful, and that if I already love you this much, I can't even begin to imagine what my love for you will be like once I am your momma!
I am filled with hope for the future we will have together, with excitement at the thought of seeing your sweet face the first time. I have prayed for you for years. You have my heart, and you aren't even here yet!! I pray that as you come into this world, that you are healthy and that you never know a day without my love. I pray that as you grow, you always feel like you couldn't be loved more, and that I have wanted and desired you long before you were formed. I want you to know that even though you didn't grow in my tummy, you have been growing in my heart and soul and mind much longer that 9 months. You are not a mistake, God has chosen you to complete mine and your daddy's lives. God has chosen us to raise you, love you, discipline you, have fun with you, to show you this world He has blessed us with, to show you the love He has for you, and raise you to have a love for Him, a respect for Him, a fear of Him. I want to see you sing to the Lord and worship Him as a young child and see you give your life to Him and live everyday with eternity in mind. I can't wait to see you do all the things children do as they grow, but I am much more interested in the relationship you will have with God and the plans He has for you. I know that God already knows who you are, and He has plans for you to prosper! What a wonderful promise!
I can't wait to touch you, to smell you, to feel your soft, warm skin. I have held you in my heart for a long time now, but I can't wait to hold you in my arms. And I don't know what you are physically going to look like, but I know you are going to be wonderful, and that if I already love you this much, I can't even begin to imagine what my love for you will be like once I am your momma!
Yep, we're not criminals!!
We began the adoption process in October 2010. After much prayer, we found the agencies we wanted to use. We were just officially cleared by the state. Yep, we passed our background checks :) Now we are waiting on our social worker to come and do our homestudy. Surprisingly, I'm not really nervous about it. I've read a lot of things about how nervous people get about this, but I just know that God has brought us here, and we are in the center of His will. So, I have the utmost confidence that He is going to provide in a way that I won't have to worry with it! I'm super excited about the upcoming months!!!
It wasn't supposed to be this way...
My name is Ashley Jones. I married my middle school sweetheart, Tyler Jones on September 15, 2007. After already being diagnosed with PCOS a few years prior, I knew that I may have difficulty conceiving; so we decided to try and get pregnant immediately. I had a desire to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I can't think of a time in my life where I didn't just love being around children. Although I had several doctors tell me I would not be able to conceive, or would have much difficulty, I never actually thought it would be a big deal. I have always been able to do things that I set my mind to. Month after month passed by with no positive pee stick!! I really felt like this was how my life was being measured!
We decided to seek the help of a fertility doctor, and over the course of a year we tried Clomid and other medications with no success. The only thing it did succeed in was making me a crazy, emotional, psychotic wife! My poor husband watched me go up and down, and stood by me the whole time. After feeling like the fertility doctor I had was not being as aggressive I wanted in my treatments, we changed doctors and went to a bigger, more well known group of doctors.
During my initial assessment with this group it was found that my prolactin levels were sky high. No big deal, at this point everything else had been messed up too. After taking some medication, we rechecked and it was elevated even more. I got the phone call one afternoon with a good friend at my house. The nurse called, told me it was still high, and that they were "99.9% sure that it was a pituitary tumor". When Tyler got home and I told him the news he was devestated. About 2 months before this we had started going back to church, and getting more involved. This was the point in our lives where we completely surrendered our lives to the Lord. I can, at this point in my life, honsetly say that the phone call I received that day was the best call I have ever received. Without this "scare" I don't know where we would be today. We received the results of the CT scan that weekend and after much prayer the scan showed nothing. Nothing at all. Suddenly my prolactin levels were back to normal. Ahhhh the power of prayer!!
Time went on and we underwent 3 unsuccessful IUI treatments. At this point 2 year into our attempt at getting pregnant, I really started searching and trying to understand and see God's hand in all of this. We were told by the doctors that we needed to do IVF in January 2010. I immediately was ready to go. Without a second thought. I was desperate to have a child, no matter how it happened. Then I put my excitement aside, talked with Tyler, prayed and cried a whole lot, and decided that God just wasn't in it at this time. We just felt like we weren't being directed in any particular way. After more prayer and turning to the scripture we felt like we just needed to be still. So we waited. And waited, I didn't even know what I was waiting on. From January to June, we waited. Waiting is hard, it stinks, I hate it, it's no fun, and it's especially not fun when you have no idea what it is you are waiting on!!!
During this time, Tyler had been called to preach. He became the youth pastor at a church in our community. We took the youth group on a trip for summer camp in June 2010. At the camp the challenge was to ask God to reveal something to you that you needed to see or hear. I prayed for this, I prayed that God would just show me what I was waiting on. He showed me alright. He showed me the one thing that I was totally not open to. I didn't tell anyone. I was angry and extremely sad. I denied this revelation. I didn't want it. But, it just was laid on my heart. For the next 5 days, I didn't talk about it. Once we got home from the trip, I told Tyler that I felt like God wanted us to adopt. With tears streaming down my face, I said the one thing I never wanted to have to say. I truly never thought that we would have to "resort" to adoption. This was hard to swallow for me. I continued to pray about it and got one confirmation after another. And with each confirmation and word from God I heard, my heart continued to soften to the idea that God did have a plan for me and Tyler, and even though it wasn't supposed to be this way, it was going to be better than I could have hoped for.
We decided to seek the help of a fertility doctor, and over the course of a year we tried Clomid and other medications with no success. The only thing it did succeed in was making me a crazy, emotional, psychotic wife! My poor husband watched me go up and down, and stood by me the whole time. After feeling like the fertility doctor I had was not being as aggressive I wanted in my treatments, we changed doctors and went to a bigger, more well known group of doctors.
During my initial assessment with this group it was found that my prolactin levels were sky high. No big deal, at this point everything else had been messed up too. After taking some medication, we rechecked and it was elevated even more. I got the phone call one afternoon with a good friend at my house. The nurse called, told me it was still high, and that they were "99.9% sure that it was a pituitary tumor". When Tyler got home and I told him the news he was devestated. About 2 months before this we had started going back to church, and getting more involved. This was the point in our lives where we completely surrendered our lives to the Lord. I can, at this point in my life, honsetly say that the phone call I received that day was the best call I have ever received. Without this "scare" I don't know where we would be today. We received the results of the CT scan that weekend and after much prayer the scan showed nothing. Nothing at all. Suddenly my prolactin levels were back to normal. Ahhhh the power of prayer!!
Time went on and we underwent 3 unsuccessful IUI treatments. At this point 2 year into our attempt at getting pregnant, I really started searching and trying to understand and see God's hand in all of this. We were told by the doctors that we needed to do IVF in January 2010. I immediately was ready to go. Without a second thought. I was desperate to have a child, no matter how it happened. Then I put my excitement aside, talked with Tyler, prayed and cried a whole lot, and decided that God just wasn't in it at this time. We just felt like we weren't being directed in any particular way. After more prayer and turning to the scripture we felt like we just needed to be still. So we waited. And waited, I didn't even know what I was waiting on. From January to June, we waited. Waiting is hard, it stinks, I hate it, it's no fun, and it's especially not fun when you have no idea what it is you are waiting on!!!
During this time, Tyler had been called to preach. He became the youth pastor at a church in our community. We took the youth group on a trip for summer camp in June 2010. At the camp the challenge was to ask God to reveal something to you that you needed to see or hear. I prayed for this, I prayed that God would just show me what I was waiting on. He showed me alright. He showed me the one thing that I was totally not open to. I didn't tell anyone. I was angry and extremely sad. I denied this revelation. I didn't want it. But, it just was laid on my heart. For the next 5 days, I didn't talk about it. Once we got home from the trip, I told Tyler that I felt like God wanted us to adopt. With tears streaming down my face, I said the one thing I never wanted to have to say. I truly never thought that we would have to "resort" to adoption. This was hard to swallow for me. I continued to pray about it and got one confirmation after another. And with each confirmation and word from God I heard, my heart continued to soften to the idea that God did have a plan for me and Tyler, and even though it wasn't supposed to be this way, it was going to be better than I could have hoped for.
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