Use me, grow me, change me.

You know there are some days where you feel like you have it all figured out, like you have "arrived"; and then there are days where you think life is impossible and you can't win for losing. Evidently,some time back when I wrote this post here, I thought I had "arrived" at all of the answers and just really "got" it all. Now, here I am today, reading over the things I "learned" and I'm realizing that I'm learning them all over again in new trials and circumstances. So, I am going to update my list a bit; still using some of the same basic ideas from my post a few years back and reflect on what I have learned recently and what God is teaching me at this time in my life.

1. God is teaching, growing, encouraging, trying, and loving us all-EVERYDAY. We will never "arrive" on this side of eternity. Through our adoption process, I learned so much about myself and my faith grew tremendously. I saw God at work and it was amazing to rely on Him and trust Him every step of the way. From the darkest days in the process to one of the greatest days of my life, He was there.

2. God sometimes allows pain in our lives to reveal our hearts. Not because He's mean or wants to test us.

Update: You don't just have one trial or period of pain in your life where He does this. Sometimes, our hearts need revealed again. Sometimes, we get too comfortable with life and our faith needs stretched and grown again. We tend to get to a place of complacency as believers when things are going good and we need to be reminded how much we need Him. 

3. God doesn't reveal the big idea, the whole picture, the step by step plan of how it's all going to work because He wants us to keep coming back to Him for the next piece of information we need. If we had it all, why would we need Him?

Update: Thank God He doesn't reveal it all. There was a day where I thought I would love to see the  big picture, but now I have realized that I couldn't handle it. We are so small in comparison to this world and God's plan that we can't handle any bigger pieces to the puzzle than He already gives us. I'm thankful that He gives me a piece at a time and that it forces me to come back for more.

4. God is good. No matter what. His timing is perfect, and mine is not.

Update: This is still true. No more no less. We shouldn't ever question that He works all things for our good. We may not be able to see it from this limited perspective that we have, but His word tells us that this is true. 

5. Adoption is expensive. I didn't think we could afford it. But when you lay it all at His feet, and let Him have control, He will provide. It's amazing to watch Him work in a way that you know is humanly impossible.

Update: Adoption is still expensive for us :) Usually the big costs stop occurring once the process is done, but in Tyley Sue's case they are still there. God has blessed us with jobs to pay our bills, put food on the table and even supplies our wants and desires. We have prepared for rainy days and a rainy period of time, but in the case of life long special needs care....Well, you can never prepare for a rainy life. I love my rainy life, but again, you can't possibly prepare for the medical costs of it all; especially not by the age of 28. 

I am so glad I went back and read this old post because this right here is the truth we all need "When you lay it all at His feet, and let Him have control, He will provide. It's amazing to watch Him work in a way that you know is humanly impossible. " There was a time when Tyler came home and told me He felt he needed to quit his full time job and pursue ministry fully, even if the pay wouldn't be as good. He felt convicted and knew that God was asking Him to step out on faith and trust Him. I however, didn't get the memo. God didn't clue me in on the provision and how this was all going to work. (This was just as I sent off our clearances for our home study for our adoption process too). So when Tyler told me of this word from God, I thought I was going to die. Real life stuff here, folks, yes I believe in God and should trust Him with it all, but this about did me in. I got in the floor like a mad woman and wrote down all of our bills and how much money I made and very dramatically drew a big negative sign with how much in the hole we would be if he followed through with this. It's hard to walk by faith and be practical at the same time; for me it usually takes a few days to find balance between the two. Tyler and I let it rest and we didn't talk about it for a week while I searched God for answers. I searched his word, I prayed, and I prayed more. God gave me a peace about it and I knew that I had to let Tyler lead us in these kinds of decisions, so I called him at work and told him to turn in his notice. A week later, he got the opportunity to work part time doing ministry with hospice while he also worked part time as a student pastor. God provided. Even when the numbers didn't add up, and if that had been my benchmark for a decision, we would have missed out on the opportunity to minister to others in multiple ways. Now I'm currently watching God using his people to bless us in regards to Tyley Sue's needs-I'm seeing things come together in a way that is humanly impossible. It's humbling and overwhelming all at the same time. 

6. Just because I'm adopting, doesn't mean I don't ever hope to conceive, but because I'm adopting, I'm okay with never conceiving.

Update: I'm so thankful that God allowed me to become a mother in two different ways. For Tyley Sue I labored for years-with paperwork, home visits, and interviews. I was okay with never conceiving, but I did still hope to. Finding out I was pregnant with Elijah Ray was so exciting for me. I had seen God answer my prayer in an almost immediate fashion-which is nice to see every now and again. My prayer to take away my desire to be pregnant or to allow me to become pregnant soon was heard and answered! 

7. The past year of preparing for adoption has been the most scary, awesome, nerve wracking, humbling, uncomfortable experience ever, period, the end.

Update: Take out the "ever, period, the end." Adoption was scary and awesome and uncomfortable. The trials we are currently facing with Tyley Sue trumps it though! We are on a path for which doctors have no answers for us, it's all up in the air. We don't know what God's plan is for her or for us. We know that regardless of His plan though, we will remain faithful. We want Him to use her and our testimony to reach others. That's what this life is about anyways! 

8. New one here! I have learned you have to let God use your trials. We shouldn't hide or shy away from sharing the hard times in our life with others when it can bring glory to God. Imagine if we never shared our stories, our burdens, our praises? This is how God can use us to reach others. I am thankful for my journey through infertility because I've been able to help countless other women through their journey as well. I'm thankful for my adoption journey, because again, I got to be apart of helping families comes together! By sharing God's calling on our lives to adopt, we have talked to other couples considering adoption and answered their questions and have watched them celebrate their "gotcha day" too. I'm certain that God is going to use my current journey with Tyley as well to reach others. God has used and will use some of the hardest times in our lives to reach other; and it would be a shame to pass up the opportunity to point the praise back to Him.

Be the Example

When I found out I was pregnant I was beyond excited and surprised! After 5 years of marriage and never once trying to prevent pregnancy I honestly thought it would never happen. I had recently found out that two other good friends were pregnant and instantly felt something that I hadn't felt in over 2 years - envy. I desired what they were getting. I wanted to carry a child in my body, feel him or her kick, let my husband touch my belly and feel a child move; I wanted to experience every ache and pain through the 9 months and experience labor, physically bringing a child into this world. I had desired this for a loooonnnng time, but the process of adoption had replaced it for me. I'm so thankful that God called us to adopt and that he changed my heart on the matter and for years it satisfied me fully. I had been thinking, just prior to finding out they were pregnant, that I wanted to adopt again. Tyler and I had been talking about it for a couple of months and we had started the process of becoming foster parents and were hoping to see what doors God would open for us to  adopt through the Alabama Baptist Children's Home. Even with that process in place I still desired to be pregnant. So, when I felt the envy rising I began praying. I actually prayed that God would either allow me to experience pregnancy and having another child, or that He would change my heart and remove the desire. It was just four weeks later when I found out I was pregnant. I honestly believe that those prayers were heard and answered.

 As Elijah Ray grew I thought about who I wanted him to be, how Tyler and I would raise him, and what he would do for God. I have prayed for him to give his life to God at an early age and to always follow Him and His plans. I have prayed for his future wife, yes, I know he's only eight months old! But I want him to find a partner who has a heart for God, who is kind, humble, and has a servant's heart! I have thought about how I will teach him certain things in this life and how it will shape the man, husband, father, friend he will be. It's wild to think of the influence we have in our children's lives. How important is it for us to be the example?! The only way to raise our children is to show them by example. The old saying "Do as I say, not as I do" should not be our motto. We should lead by our example and our children should be be able to  "do as we do".

How can I expect my child to be in the Word daily if I'm not myself? If I don't make it a point to read it to him and with him from the very beginning? How can I expect him to pray if he never hears me or his dad in prayer? How can I expect him to choose a godly wife one day, if I myself don't display what a godly wife looks like in our home? How will he learn to serve others if we don't serve? The same goes for teaching forgiveness, patience, showing and extending grace, and love!

God's word instructs us to raise our children in the word and tells us in Proverbs to:


Train up a child in the way he should go,And when he is old he will not depart from it.

And then in Deuteronomy we are instructed to:

Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.

Can you imagine what our world would look like if we raised our children according to the above scriptures? If we truly trained them in the Word? Talked about God and His love and showed them what it means to love others selflessly? If our homes were filled with wholesome talk, less trash on the television(I'm guilty!!), and more time in prayer, in the word, and putting God's love in action?



The book of Matthew tells us about Jesus' reply to a question from a religious leader where He tells us that love is the greatest commandment we have. 

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.This is the first and greatest commandment. 3 And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”


I have always said that love trumps all. If you love God and love others, dying to yourself daily, you can't go wrong. When love is your motive and you are willing to serve and love others without regard to "gain", that's when you are putting the love God has given you into action and being His hands and feet. This is what I want my kids to see in Tyler and I.


As I write this I am reflecting on the blessing God has given me in my children. Tyley Sue and Elijah Ray are so unique, and watching them grow is so different I'm learning (but that's for another post!), but God didn't give me these children just to fulfill my heart's desire. It wasn't just to complete my family and my home.  There is a plan for them and just like me they have kingdom work to complete; and it's my job to equip them. In order for our children to be the men and women of God that they are called to be, we have to be the example.

His plan > My plan

As females we all care about our appearance. Even if it's just a little, we care. Not everyone wears tons of  makeup or goes crazy over the latest fashions; but we want to feel pretty. As a girl, I shave my legs, tweeze my brows, apply self tanner, lotion up multiple times a day, paint my nails, put my makeup on each morning, spay some perfume, & fix my hair. Some may say it's vain, but I do it because it makes me feel good and I think my husband likes it!

As we found out about what exactly is going on with Tyley I had some pretty crazy concerns. I have been thinking, what if she can't take care of herself from a hygiene and grooming standpoint? What about her eyebrows? Will I tweeze them? Will I wax them? I mean, I don't want her to have a unibrow!!! What about her legs? I don't want them to be hairy like a man's legs. So, will I shave, wax, use Nair? Will I put makeup on her face for special occasions? Will I buy perfume for her? Something that is just the right scent...where when people smell it they always think of her?

I know it seems so insignificant to most. It's something we take for granted with our children-like so many other things. We just assume that our life is going to be a certain way. That we will have kids, teach them certain things, they will retain said things, and then perform. But, that's not the case here. I have thought about needing a walk in shower-because she fights me now getting out of the tub. At 30 pounds, it's not so bad; but at 100 pounds it will be. I've thought about the possible regression of her ability to walk-which is a concern-and the need for a handicap accessible home and vehicle. I've wondered if I will be watching Bubble Guppies and Little Einsteins for the rest of my life. I've wondered if I will always feed her, bathe her, dress her, rock her, sing to her, lay with her so she can go to sleep, change her diapers, and blow bubbles for her. Again, may sound crazy to most, but those are the thoughts that creep in as reality sets in. Those are the thoughts that you can be certain I am tossing around when you see me gazing at her pretty face for long periods of time.

Most of us as parents dream about the future of our children. Playing ball, cheer leading, playing in the band, swimming on the swim team, playing on the chess team, performing on the drama team; getting a driver's license, graduating high school, going to college, first boyfriends/girlfriends, and even comforting them with their first broken heart. When you hold your little girl you dream about seeing her walk down the aisle to her soul mate. Those dreams are ripped away for a lot of us though. That is one of the parts that is so painful and comes up over and over. As your friend's children progress and move on to new stages and you stay in the same phase you've been in for months or longer; those are the thoughts come up again and it hurts all over.

One thing that I will always have though that not every parent gets is a little girl who loves me. I'm always going to have cool points. She isn't going to be embarrassed of me! She's always going to hug and kiss me-even in public. She's always going to want to sit in my lap and have me sing to her and rock her. So when you read that children's book, "Love you forever", you know the one, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be"; I will be the mom rocking her teenage & adult daughter back and forth, back and forth.

I'm writing this all down in hopes that I'll be proved wrong, that one day I will look back at this post and think to myself "see, you were worrying for nothing!" I'm writing all of these assumptions down knowing that God is in control and His plan is greater than my own. I know that healing is up to Him, but I also know that His plan may not be to heal. So, for now, I pray for His sovereign hand in our lives and on my daughter; and I prepare and think about what our future holds. It's only natural. I could pretend that I don't think these thoughts, and that I'm trusting so much in His plan for our life that I don't even wonder what my life will look like in 5, 10, 20 years-but I'd be lying. I trust Him and I know He's in control and I'm honestly okay (most days) with whatever His plan is. His word tells us, in Jeremiah 29:11


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I cling to this. I know that He is good and that is plan is for our good. I know that He's in control and that no matter what, His plan is the best. The trials that have come my way are for my good. The heartache I feel is for my good. It may not seem like it right here, right now, but looking at it from a perspective with eternity in mind, the perspective God has, it is good. It's amazing how quickly I forget what a small glimpse of life I have. Our view is so limited, so tiny, in comparison to the view God has. I also remind myself when I start wondering about the future and what steps lie ahead that God is only going to give me a little bit at a time. First of all, I couldn't handle any more than that as a human-I mean, I can even mess up the itty bitty baby pieces at times! Secondly, if He laid it all out, gave us every piece of the puzzle at once, we wouldn't need to return to Him daily. The only way to make it through and draw strength each day is to return to Him with a willing heart and spirit and allowing Him to fill us again. So, next time I'm yapping and complaining about whatever trial I'm in, ya'll remind me of this! You can also remind me of this verse from James chapter 1, verses 2-4

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Or this one from Romans chapter 5, verses 3-4

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope."

And, you can even show me this one from 1 Peter chapter 1, verses 2-4

" In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Bottom line is, I do trust Him and even though some days are darker than other, I'm excited to see what He's up to in all of this. I'm praying for something big, healing or not, I'm just praying He uses us as we endure our trials and blessings in Tyley Sue, and that He allows me to share in a way that can help others.

Celebrating Gotcha Day!

Three years ago today we celebrated the arrival of our daughter. She was six days old when I held her for the first time. She was tiny, sleeping, and perfect. Dark hair, brown eyes, perfect skin, 10 tiny finger and tiny toes. We were in love the minute we saw her. We weren't expecting her though. We thought we would be on the waiting list for a year at least and only a little over a month had passed since we finalized our application. A woman chose us based on the "Dear Birth Mother" letter we wrote. She came in just two weeks before delivering and decided to place her unborn child for adoption and to give her to us. She said she didn't know she was pregnant until just that week. I have often wondered, if she knew the entire pregnancy that she was carrying a child, would she have aborted? Decided to keep the baby herself? Give the baby to someone she personally knows? I'm so glad for God's plan. I'm so glad she chose us but more importantly, that He chose us. 

Today, I think about all of those little things, I think about our birth mother and what she's thinking about today. I also think about other three year old children and what they are doing. It's so hard not to compare. It's so hard to hear other children talk, saying "momma" and "daddy" and "I love you". When I look into her eyes though, I know she loves me. I know she knows me. I know she thinks I'm awesome! I love this little curly haired, big brown eyed girl more than I ever could have imagined. I'm so thankful to be celebrating our Gotcha Day, even if we did celebrate it by going to Speech Therapy!