Blessed.

I spoke with our social worker Wednesday and she recommended living in my grandmother's empty house instead of my parents. This will allow us to avoid them having to have backgroud checks, and the possibility of that holding us up is just not an option for me. So, next week we are gonna get hard core and start cleaning out my grandmother's and packing up my house. It's going to be a blast (haha)! Really though, I'm getting super excited about everything, but with that excitement comes the super nervous part of me!! I'm praying everyday, and I keep handing it over, but then taking it back. You would think I would learn to just let Him have it!! I am still in awe of how everything has been provided. I'm such a blessed little lady!! I keep thinking about what our little one is going to look like. I have no idea, it's going to be such a surprise to see if it's a boy or girl, black, white, hispanic, asian...I just don't know, but that's somehow becoming a really nice thought to me.

 I feel like God has taught me so much over the past nearly 4 years in this journey. Soooo, I thought I would share :)

1. God sometimes gives us pain to reveal our hearts. Not because He's mean or wants to test us.
2. God doesn't reveal the whole big idea, the whole picture, the step by step plan of how it's goinig to work because He wants us to keep coming back to Him for the next piece of information we need. If we had it all, why would we need Him?
3. Sometimes, the pain that we endure is prolonged because He has the absolute perfect blessing waiting for us in the end.
4. We are not in control. God uses circumstances in our lives to remind us of this. Infertility is mine. Adoption is mine. It can be the death of a loved one, or the loss of a job. When we think we are in control, it's just an illusion.
5. I have some friends who are well off financially, they conceive for free. It's not fair. We aren't rich, we get to adopt. I know the blessing of adoption will far outweigh the cost though.
6. God is good. No matter what. His timing is perfect, and mine is not.
7. Adoption is expensive. I didn't think we could afford it. But when you lay it all at His feet, and let Him have control, He will provide. It's amazing to watch Him work in a way that you know is humanly impossible.
8. When God moves you to do something, don't wait on all of the details, don't wait to plan it all out. Stepping out in faith is scary, scary stuff, but it's the most rewarding stuff you will ever do!
9. Just because I'm adopting, doesn't mean I don't ever hope to conceive, but because I'm adopting, I'm okay with never conceiving.
10. The past year of preparing for adoption has been the most scary, awesome, nervewracking, humbling, uncomfortable experience ever, period, the end.

Big Changes Ahead

Well, we got an offer on our house over the weekend. We got exactly what we were asking for it, which is a huge blessing! I know that God is providing in every sense of the word for this adoption. In the beginning I wondered how in the world we would have the money to do this, but He continues to show us the way!! If everything goes smoothly we should close on the house around June 14. So today I called our social worker and cleared things with her about living arrangements while our house is being built. She is going to be checking with the agency director about the legal aspects of a possible placement while living with my parents. It may not even be a problem because a placement occurring in the next 3-4 months would be extremenly quick she said, but since we are open to any race she said it would be possible, and we would just want to go ahead and be prepared for it. I just can't believe all of the big changes in our lives right now. Selling a home, building a new one, living with my parents, officially being on the waiting list for a child. It's just so much all at once, but I know that God is working it all out. Although, I do feel a little nervous.  I wonder if that ever goes away?? I mean, when will I get to a point in my relationship with God where I don't feel scared, or nervous at all?  I do trust Him and I see how He has worked this all out for so long. I started thinking about the day we bought our house, we debated on a 30 year or 15 year loan. We went for the 15 year, and if we hadn't we wouldn't have enough equity in it to pay for the adoption. So over 4 years ago, God was working it out; knowing our entire marriage together that the fertility treatments would fail, and we would be here today, so excited about the adoption of our child! Please continue to pray for us, pray for God's provision financially, and for our birthmother, and for peace within my mind and spirit as all of these changes take place---because I am such a worrier even though I try realllly hard not to be :)

Mother's Day

We celebrated Mother's Day yesterday with lunch at my momma's house after church. We celebrated with Tyler's mom and family on Saturday night. It's was 2 good days filled with family and good food :)  Our church service yesterday was so good. Of course we celebrated all of the mothers. This mother's day was different from the last 3 that I have been through. The past few years it has been a difficult day. I have always felt sad and hurt, and a little bitter. This year was bittersweet for me. I feel like I'm so close to having our child in our arms, but so far away at the same time. I don't know how long it will be before we get the news we are waiting on. As I prayed in church yesterday, I couldn't help but pray for a woman that I don't know. I prayed for the woman who is or will be carrying my child. I thought if she's not pregnant yet, she has no idea how her life will change in the next few months, and how hard it will be to make the decision to place her child for adoption. And if she is pregnant already, how many tears has she cried, how many emotions has she felt, how is she feeling on this mother's day knowing that she is going to place her child for adoption, or maybe abort her child, or keep it? These are such difficult choices to make. I can't help but believe that if she is pregnant with my child, that she must feel such a mix of emotions. I'm sure she is wondering what kind of people will adopt her baby? SO many unanswered questions for us both on Mother's Day. All I knew yesterday was that I have been blessed with a wonderful mother, and mother-in-law, and that I will be a mother myself before too long and all of these tears I have cried, and worries I have felt; they will all be worth it when I stare into the eyes of my child.

Adoption. What does it really mean?

I've been reading the book Adopted for Life by Russel D. Moore and it has really opened my eyes even more to the spirit of adoption. I know that God has called Tyler and I personally to adopt. But guess what? He has also called everyone else to care for the widows and the orphans as well. He said one thing in the book that really stood out to me. Instead of looking at orphans as just those little sad faces on television that we sometimes see, let's see them as the children we already know around us. Imagine them as orphans. Children without a home, without loving parents, without their basic needs being met. Wouldn't you want to rescue them?? There is no better way to show the love of Christ than this. Although I did know that we have all as Christians been adopted by Christ, it has just made me think about it an entirely new way. We are not just adopted, adoption is so much more than just belonging, or a title given to someone who doesn't biologically "match" the rest of the family. My adoption by Christ, in Christ, has made me an heir to the kingdom. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, cyring, "Abba! Father! So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.  Galatians 4:6-7

I feel like God is going to use this adoption that Tyler and I are going through right now is a mighty way. This is something way more than just fufilling our little family. This is a wonderful move of God through us, He is putting something together in our lives that is bigger than I can imagine.
Adoption is something that many people just don't "get". It's something I didn't get for a long time as well. I've come to realize that God is giving me the desires of my heart. My prayer has been for a child. I didn't see it coming in the form of adoption, but I'm glad it is. This is my pregnancy. I may not have a child growing in my body, I don't get to feel him/her move, and see my body change as it nurtures a growing baby. My husband can't put his hands on my stomach and feel his child kick, or look at the ultrasound pictures and see if we can tell who's nose he/she will have. We can't even pick out clothes, or decorations because we don't know what the sex will be, or even what time of year it will be. No, this is not your typical 9 month pregnancy. It's something much more mysterious. God is crafting this, putting it all together. He didn't just get me and Tyler to realize we needed to adopt. He had to get an agency to take us in and show us the way, He is working on a another woman now, preparing her. I don't know if she is expecting yet or not, or if she is,  if she is contemplating abortion, or adoption, or keeping the child herself. I don't know who she is or what her story is like, but my God does. He's putting it together, telling a wonderful story; preparing a child for Tyler and I to hand over to Him. It's not about my heart's desires, it's about growing the kingdom, it's about bringing glory to my God. It's about the day when this is fufilled, and a baby is in our arms, and we can look back over the past 4 years and see the wonderful masterpiece that was being conducted while we living our day to day lives; and we can give Him the glory; and tell others of His character.

I know that as the days get closer and closer, I get more and more excited. I don't know how soon or how far away it will be, but my heart is filled with emotion as I think about our child coming home to us soon.