Adoption. What does it really mean?

I've been reading the book Adopted for Life by Russel D. Moore and it has really opened my eyes even more to the spirit of adoption. I know that God has called Tyler and I personally to adopt. But guess what? He has also called everyone else to care for the widows and the orphans as well. He said one thing in the book that really stood out to me. Instead of looking at orphans as just those little sad faces on television that we sometimes see, let's see them as the children we already know around us. Imagine them as orphans. Children without a home, without loving parents, without their basic needs being met. Wouldn't you want to rescue them?? There is no better way to show the love of Christ than this. Although I did know that we have all as Christians been adopted by Christ, it has just made me think about it an entirely new way. We are not just adopted, adoption is so much more than just belonging, or a title given to someone who doesn't biologically "match" the rest of the family. My adoption by Christ, in Christ, has made me an heir to the kingdom. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, cyring, "Abba! Father! So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.  Galatians 4:6-7

I feel like God is going to use this adoption that Tyler and I are going through right now is a mighty way. This is something way more than just fufilling our little family. This is a wonderful move of God through us, He is putting something together in our lives that is bigger than I can imagine.
Adoption is something that many people just don't "get". It's something I didn't get for a long time as well. I've come to realize that God is giving me the desires of my heart. My prayer has been for a child. I didn't see it coming in the form of adoption, but I'm glad it is. This is my pregnancy. I may not have a child growing in my body, I don't get to feel him/her move, and see my body change as it nurtures a growing baby. My husband can't put his hands on my stomach and feel his child kick, or look at the ultrasound pictures and see if we can tell who's nose he/she will have. We can't even pick out clothes, or decorations because we don't know what the sex will be, or even what time of year it will be. No, this is not your typical 9 month pregnancy. It's something much more mysterious. God is crafting this, putting it all together. He didn't just get me and Tyler to realize we needed to adopt. He had to get an agency to take us in and show us the way, He is working on a another woman now, preparing her. I don't know if she is expecting yet or not, or if she is,  if she is contemplating abortion, or adoption, or keeping the child herself. I don't know who she is or what her story is like, but my God does. He's putting it together, telling a wonderful story; preparing a child for Tyler and I to hand over to Him. It's not about my heart's desires, it's about growing the kingdom, it's about bringing glory to my God. It's about the day when this is fufilled, and a baby is in our arms, and we can look back over the past 4 years and see the wonderful masterpiece that was being conducted while we living our day to day lives; and we can give Him the glory; and tell others of His character.

I know that as the days get closer and closer, I get more and more excited. I don't know how soon or how far away it will be, but my heart is filled with emotion as I think about our child coming home to us soon.

Moving On to Better Places

Ok, so since my last post not much has happened. Catholic Family Services, the agency that never returned my phone calls, still hasn't returned my call. So, I called them and finally did speak with someone, but they have a waiting list. I spoke with the agency director, and she took our information, but overall didn't seem too interested. You know when you just have a gut feeling about something?? Or the holy spirit is poking at you? Well I just didn't feel good about them.

 In the meantime, I have been speaking with a social worker from Family Adoption Services, and they have been absolutley wonderful! So nice, helpful, and excited to speak with me. I asked if we could set up an appointment with her and she suggested we set up with the entire agency! So today Tyler and I went to Birmingham and met with the director his staff, including his wife. It was a wonderful meeting. I just feel at home with them, so comfortable and natural. He answered all of the questions I had (I was the crazy person who brought it a notebook of questions lol), Tyler, who has definatley been given the gift of discernement, feels good about him as well. We met his wife, and as Tyler stuck out his hand to shake hers, she said " I don't do hand shakes, I do hugs". This is my kind of woman!! After hearing her speak of her love for these children, birthmothers, and adoptive parents, I was sold. To her and her husband, this is not just a job, it's a ministry. They have been called to do this, and it is very apparent that God has his hands on them. I now know why we met the resistance we met at the other agencies. It was clear today that this is where we are supposed to be. So now, Agape is going to forward our paperwork, and our new social worker will be calling us to let us know if there is anything else we need to do. But, it's sounding like in the next few weeks we will be looked at by potential birthmothers. Their average wait time is 18 months, but we were told today that our time may be significantly less since we are willing to accept any race child.

I am so excited to see what's next. I have been so discouraged and nervous and today I feel so much better. As we were leaving the agency we headed to Tyler's school to turn in a paper that was due. On our way there Christy Nockles was on the radio and the words "We will keep our eyes on You, We will keep our eyes on You.." were being sung right as we passed by the place we used to do our fertility treatments, and the words "You are Beautiful" were on an overpass that we passed under. It was a cheesy movie- like moment, but I felt God clearly speaking to my heart in that moment. I'm so glad that I have kept my eyes on Him. It's been hard, and I have failed at times, but I know that I'm He wants us to be. I have been overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude, thankfulness, and an unbelievable happiness today. Just as they said when we left the agency today, "We're gonna have a BABY!"

Lost....

So, I haven't posted in while, I've been upset and down at our situation. I finally got the call I had been waiting on from A Angels, our placement agency, on Thursday March 3. I  never expected it to be a bad conversation, our homestudy had went great, and I just really feel like we will be wonderful parents. However, the director of the agency thought otherwise. Over a long converstation she proceded to tell me about her concerns of our "young" age, although I am 25 and Tyler is 27. She then moved onto our home and how she felt it's a bad economy to be moving in. Then onto the fact that we have car payments each month. I proceded to tell her that with our jobs with hospice we put over 200 miles a day on our vehicles some days and it's important to arrive to our patient's homes in a timely manner, I can't afford to be broken down on the side of the road or have our cars in the shop. She then told me that her and her husband also drive a lot for work, but "we sure aren't driving the cars you two are". I was, at this point, trying so hard to not let her know I was crying. I felt like I was being judged about my ability to parent, by the car I drove!! (By the way, I drive an Altima and he drives a Civic...nobody's driving by us wishing they were us! It's not like we're driving a Bentley around town!)  She then asked if I was sure that I understood what accepting "any race child" meant. I said yes, I was open to any race. She told me at that point, that she would suggest another agency which was priced on a sliding scale and would price African American children at a lower price. I was, and still am, apalled! I am so hurt by this. I have heard of this, but didn't think it was reallly happeneing. I mean, how can we put a price on a child because of their skin color?! It sickens me. I am worth no more than any other person just because of my skin color.

Needless to say, she told me that she didn't feel it was a good "fit" and suggested  we check with other agencies. I have since called another agency nearby, and told them my homestudy was complete and asked if I could talk to someone to get some information. The lady answering the phone, rudely replied that she couldn't help me but would have someone call me back. This was Wednesday March 9, at about 9 a.m. On Friday I still had not heard back, so I called again, introduced myself and she interupted me, rudely again might I add, and said "I told you we would have someone call you, she has your name and number and is busy, she will call you back though". It is now Tuesday, and I still haven't heard. I don't know about you, but I know if someone was fixing to write me a check for thousands and thousands of dollars, I would return their phone call and I would be nice about it!

Overall I feel lost. I feel sad, hurt, angry, but mostly just lost. I know God has called us to this. I know there is a plan that He has for us. I just don't know how to work with His plan right now. We had really prayed about A Angels as our placement agency, during our prayers, we had 3 different people, out of no where, take time to tell us about their wonderful experience with that agency. It was confirmation after confirmation for us. Now, I'm praying again, I need God to show me what's next. I know that to a certain extent, God has showed me that we are to adopt, so maybe all of this leg work is just insignificant? Am I like Abraham, did God just want to see if I would adopt, since it was the one thing I said I wouldn't do? Or, did I miss something along the way, something that I was supposed to see, but because I got so busy and fixed on getting to the end product, I missed it? I don't know right now. All I know is that through this all, as lost and sad as I feel by all this, God is still good. He's better to me than I deserve, and He deserves all of me and what I have to give Him. He still has a plan for me, and along the way as I try to find out what step to take next, I will strive to live a life and make choices that will glorify Him. In the end, I know that God is doing something wonderful, and I want everyone to know this story and see how God was working all along. I want it to be so great, that nobody could look at it and think it was something Tyler or I did, but to KNOW that it was a God thing.

Homestudy is Completed!!

Well, since I have last posted we have celebrated Tyler's 27th birthday. We didn't do much on his birthday because I ended up working a little late, so we just went out to dinner together. On Friday though we ordered a pizza at our friend's house and watched a movie, then went out in the big town of Trinity, to Jack's for some ice cream! We had a good time, it was nice to just relax with some great friends. Even though I didn't get Tyler anything for his birthday, (he decided he wanted to wait until some video game he has been wanting comes out) he told me at dinner, that Agape sent him a present in the mail. I was kind of confused, and then he told me that the homestudy had come in!!! It's now official! We have been approved and cleared to parent a child! I called our placement agency and they told me they would review it and call me, so I am back to patiently waiting, which I am so much better at than a few years ago. I had some friends asking some questions about our next steps, they have always thought they would eventually adopt, and I explained how now that our homestudy is complete there will be a meeting with our new social worker, we will make a scrapbook to present to the birthmothers, and we will wait on a phone call that will change our lives forever. In the meantime, we will pray, and pray, and wait, and seek patience, guidance, strength, and discernment as we make tough decisions regarding the placement of the child GOD has chosen for us. I have thought many times that just because a mother choses us, although it seems as if we should just say yes, we must pray and seek God's wisdom as to if this is the child God has for us. I am just so grateful that God has changed my heart on adoption, and I can't wait to continue forward in this amazing journey to my baby!!