But can I let you in on something that God has revealed? I hope you are ready for it, because I'm still not ready. Y'all.....healing isn't coming to Tyley Sue. Not in the way we like to think, pray, or desire. It's hard for me to say these words out loud. During my times with God in the past week, I feel like I have hit a few breakthrough moments.....like the time had come for Him to really reveal some things to me...or maybe it was the first time that I was ready to listen.
First things first, as desperate as I am for Tyley Sue's healing, I need to be that desperate for Jesus...all the time. Not just when I'm seeking answers or making requests. That's just the way it's got to be. Also, just because the answer is no it doesn't change the fact that I'm going to keep on seeking, asking, knocking, begging, serving, praising, and loving Him.
This past Sunday our middle school group was on their way back from camp, so I joined in on a small group with some other friends. Let me just tell you that it was meant to be for me to be in that room last Sunday. I took some notes that day that I've looked over this week and continued to let God speak to me through them. The message was all about not giving up on your dreams....
1. Even if the journey doesn't start well. Or, in our case, never seems better.
2. Even if the journey is full of surprises....come on now, anyone who knows our testimony knows that it's been full of surprises! God has constantly been at work. Weaving together a beautiful life and testimony to point back to Himself through us. I don't always do it justice, I don't always do it right, and I fail daily....but He has called me faithful even through my mistakes and has entrusted me to be the mother to this unique, perfectly imperfect, one in a million little girl.
3. Even if it takes a long time to realize it. Habakkuk 2:3 "If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on it's way. It will be right on time." So basically, it's going to be slow, but it won't be overdue-not even by a single day. He says to be patient. When I read this, I don't think that healing is coming slow. I think He's telling me that in His time, He's working good and He has a plan for this madness. And that "it" will happen on time. "It" may not be healing or progress. It may just be the moment or moments where He becomes greater and we become less. (I'll get to that in number 5 and tell you what "it" may really be.)
4. Recognize and value the process. "Process"....will we ever really be done with the "process"? I don't know. I think the process is life. Life is our process. We have to value the day to day mundane things and look to find joy even in the trials. 1 Peter 1:6-7 talks about rejoicing even though you've had to endure trials. Sooooo basically he was saying, joy is ahead even though it sucks right now. ( I think God is good with my paraphrase here and I personally don't think he minds the word "sucks").
5. Refuse to let offense stop you. Genesis 50:20....you intended to harm me but God intended it for good. I've told several people before, and I believe I've said it on previous blog posts, I always go back to this point with God.....if this is the road you have for me you better use it for good. Let me glorify your name, praise you when it's bad, and praise you when it's good. Use her, use me, use my family to bring glory to your name...just please don't let it go to waste.
If never bringing healing to her in this lifetime allows our testimony to be strengthened and shown to the people we encounter in order to make Your name bigger.....we accept. If more people will come to know God and his character while watching our life unfold and seeing our continued faith versus seeing a miracle worked, then let it be.
Just last night at a worship concert I felt God confirm to me that healing won't come in the sense I would like. This wasn't a devastating moment like it sounds. In fact, it's something I think I've felt and quietly known for some time. I believe that more progress will come. We will still fight for whatever little bit of progress we can gain as we pursue therapy and work with her daily. But during this process (life) I'm called to praise Him still and find joy in it. Joy shines through even the darkest times because it's not based on our circumstances, but it's based on the One who holds our circumstances in His hands. I'm not a sad person, I won't allow a deleted chromosome to make my family unhappy. We love big around here. We have tickle fights, we act silly, we chase each other around the circle of our living room and kitchen. We play music really loud and dance like most white people dance-with no rhythm! We have family dinners. We have amazing friends who understand and accept the good, bad and ugly that comes with my family. We have unbelievable support and love from our families. Life is good. Now, life hurts at times too. Sometimes Tyler and I lay in bed at night and feel the weight, the burden, the heartache, the death of our dreams come down on us. But before we close our eyes we remind each other that life is good....even without healing, it's good and He is good. We have been blessed.
P.S. I would like to put in this little disclaimer, that although I feel confident in God's word to me this past week and last night that healing isn't what it's all about for us, I pray to be wrong. The flesh in me still has a fight and a desire to see a miracle, so, God, if you change your mind....I'm good with that too :)
