His plan > My plan

As females we all care about our appearance. Even if it's just a little, we care. Not everyone wears tons of  makeup or goes crazy over the latest fashions; but we want to feel pretty. As a girl, I shave my legs, tweeze my brows, apply self tanner, lotion up multiple times a day, paint my nails, put my makeup on each morning, spay some perfume, & fix my hair. Some may say it's vain, but I do it because it makes me feel good and I think my husband likes it!

As we found out about what exactly is going on with Tyley I had some pretty crazy concerns. I have been thinking, what if she can't take care of herself from a hygiene and grooming standpoint? What about her eyebrows? Will I tweeze them? Will I wax them? I mean, I don't want her to have a unibrow!!! What about her legs? I don't want them to be hairy like a man's legs. So, will I shave, wax, use Nair? Will I put makeup on her face for special occasions? Will I buy perfume for her? Something that is just the right scent...where when people smell it they always think of her?

I know it seems so insignificant to most. It's something we take for granted with our children-like so many other things. We just assume that our life is going to be a certain way. That we will have kids, teach them certain things, they will retain said things, and then perform. But, that's not the case here. I have thought about needing a walk in shower-because she fights me now getting out of the tub. At 30 pounds, it's not so bad; but at 100 pounds it will be. I've thought about the possible regression of her ability to walk-which is a concern-and the need for a handicap accessible home and vehicle. I've wondered if I will be watching Bubble Guppies and Little Einsteins for the rest of my life. I've wondered if I will always feed her, bathe her, dress her, rock her, sing to her, lay with her so she can go to sleep, change her diapers, and blow bubbles for her. Again, may sound crazy to most, but those are the thoughts that creep in as reality sets in. Those are the thoughts that you can be certain I am tossing around when you see me gazing at her pretty face for long periods of time.

Most of us as parents dream about the future of our children. Playing ball, cheer leading, playing in the band, swimming on the swim team, playing on the chess team, performing on the drama team; getting a driver's license, graduating high school, going to college, first boyfriends/girlfriends, and even comforting them with their first broken heart. When you hold your little girl you dream about seeing her walk down the aisle to her soul mate. Those dreams are ripped away for a lot of us though. That is one of the parts that is so painful and comes up over and over. As your friend's children progress and move on to new stages and you stay in the same phase you've been in for months or longer; those are the thoughts come up again and it hurts all over.

One thing that I will always have though that not every parent gets is a little girl who loves me. I'm always going to have cool points. She isn't going to be embarrassed of me! She's always going to hug and kiss me-even in public. She's always going to want to sit in my lap and have me sing to her and rock her. So when you read that children's book, "Love you forever", you know the one, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be"; I will be the mom rocking her teenage & adult daughter back and forth, back and forth.

I'm writing this all down in hopes that I'll be proved wrong, that one day I will look back at this post and think to myself "see, you were worrying for nothing!" I'm writing all of these assumptions down knowing that God is in control and His plan is greater than my own. I know that healing is up to Him, but I also know that His plan may not be to heal. So, for now, I pray for His sovereign hand in our lives and on my daughter; and I prepare and think about what our future holds. It's only natural. I could pretend that I don't think these thoughts, and that I'm trusting so much in His plan for our life that I don't even wonder what my life will look like in 5, 10, 20 years-but I'd be lying. I trust Him and I know He's in control and I'm honestly okay (most days) with whatever His plan is. His word tells us, in Jeremiah 29:11


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I cling to this. I know that He is good and that is plan is for our good. I know that He's in control and that no matter what, His plan is the best. The trials that have come my way are for my good. The heartache I feel is for my good. It may not seem like it right here, right now, but looking at it from a perspective with eternity in mind, the perspective God has, it is good. It's amazing how quickly I forget what a small glimpse of life I have. Our view is so limited, so tiny, in comparison to the view God has. I also remind myself when I start wondering about the future and what steps lie ahead that God is only going to give me a little bit at a time. First of all, I couldn't handle any more than that as a human-I mean, I can even mess up the itty bitty baby pieces at times! Secondly, if He laid it all out, gave us every piece of the puzzle at once, we wouldn't need to return to Him daily. The only way to make it through and draw strength each day is to return to Him with a willing heart and spirit and allowing Him to fill us again. So, next time I'm yapping and complaining about whatever trial I'm in, ya'll remind me of this! You can also remind me of this verse from James chapter 1, verses 2-4

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Or this one from Romans chapter 5, verses 3-4

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope."

And, you can even show me this one from 1 Peter chapter 1, verses 2-4

" In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Bottom line is, I do trust Him and even though some days are darker than other, I'm excited to see what He's up to in all of this. I'm praying for something big, healing or not, I'm just praying He uses us as we endure our trials and blessings in Tyley Sue, and that He allows me to share in a way that can help others.